In lieu of a flesh-debt

[toujours_nigel]

let's write. Give me a

• fandom
• character/pairing (andOR/)
• prompt (a line, a word, a situation, an AU)

and I will write at least 500 words of fic.

Comments

[moetushie]

Could do with much tweaking, but:

The Charioteer, any character or pairing, noir AU.

[toujours_nigel]

oooh. on it.

(not sure I *can* write noir)

[toujours_nigel]

People expected certain things when they hear about my line of work: violence, mystery, and a whole lotta tail. Two outta three wasn’t half bad, and neither was the cash grateful clients forked over at the end of a case. Not as good as it could have been, not as good as you heard sometimes, but enough to keep a single body going. When I had got the sack from school my folks pretended they worried, and maybe if I’d been straight and narrow I’d have sunk down to my knees in some back alley after the war, but people like me and my friends had a ton of secrets, and always needed a quiet bit of work for which they were ready to pay.
Like the man on the other side of the desk, right now, his pallor making the freckles stand out stark. Came in a full five minutes ago and hadn’t said a word yet. Made no matter, though. Nervous, nervous as hell, but one of our sort: normal men didn’t usually know about me; women sometimes, the hard, hard-bitten bitchy sort who looked as though they despised me for being around to help and themselves for needing to ask. Sweet-looking, from what I could make of his face between the brim of his hat and the one light being on the fritz, and fidgety, hands moving to clutch at each other, the edge of the table, the ball of his knee. Injured, maybe at Dunkirk, maybe later in France or Italy. Not a new injury, any rate, he’d walked in easy and under his own power, no cane in sight. Not one of the RAF boys, who all swaggered like they were emperors of a dying world. B.E.F, then, or maybe the Senior Service. My money on B.E.F.
“You can go slow, but you’ve got to start somewhere,” I said, and hazarding a guess based on likely age and the old but good tweeds of his mufti, added, “Come on, Lieutenant, I haven’t got all day. Missing husbands and cats to look for.”
“I never made Lieutenant,” he said, automatic, and huffed a laugh. “Dropped out of ROTC in school. Joined up as a private, blew my leg up before I could make Sergeant.”
Idealistic and patriotic. What a goddamned mess to land up in my office of a Monday morning when I was still reeling. All week sober didn’t work so well when you’re up till the wee hours on a Sunday night locked in a kiss with a bottle of rum. “Alright, Corporal, why don’t you tell me the trouble and I’ll see whether I can ease it for you.”
He nodded, went to tug at his hair and realized he had his hat still on. “You might as well know all of it,” he said, and pulled it off.
L.P. Odell, pale and nervous, sitting across my desk. I hadn’t seen him in going on five years, not since that fateful glimpse on the deck of my ship. “You’re dead,” I said stupidly, and he looked up.
“Lanyon?”

Re: (not sure I *can* write noir)

[greerwatson]

To concrit or not to concrit, that is the question....

Re: (not sure I *can* write noir)

[toujours_nigel]

Oh, concrit away.

Re: (not sure I *can* write noir)

[greerwatson]

On the one hand, you have a fair grip on the style and idiom of the classic American hard-boiled dick. On the other hand, I have no difficulty in projecting Ralph Lanyon as becoming a private detective in an AU where he never learned that Laurie was still alive. Embittered, cynical ... all that. I just have trouble getting the two hands to shake each other.

If Ralph were to emigrate to the States, it's hard to see him assuming the American idiom successfully, even as protective colour. It's notoriously hard to sound right. (Think of all the American actors trying to sound British and vice versa. I'm not saying that no one pulls it off. But it's rare.) Also, of course, one then has to decide if Laurie's in the States or Ralph returned to Britain. The story suggests a British locale, probably London.

Contrariwise, if Ralph were to stay in London, the traditional American hard-boiled style would be inappropriate. I could see him trying to ape a working class, somewhat Cockney style, using the term in a loose fashion, seeing that as appropriate for the job he's doing. Only I doubt if he'd pull that accent off, either. (He did lighting for the school play, after all. Now if he'd been the star!) In any case, Ralph seems the sort to cling to class to the bitter end.

Which doesn't mean I don't like the story. I love the idea of a post-war Laurie wanting to hire a private detective (for some sordid private reason, such as blackmail, no doubt), and the two meeting again after so long.

(An overly long comment for a story so short, I fear.)

Re: (not sure I *can* write noir)

[toujours_nigel]

Er. Well if I did Cockney it would be the worst sort of parody so I thought I ought not try. But yes it's supposed to be London.

Re: (not sure I *can* write noir)

[greerwatson]

Oh, dear. There's a world of "ouch!" in your reply.

Put it this way: I think the story would have been better if you had dropped the American phraseology/accent (such as "a whole lotta tail" or "two outta three"). It would still have been noir if you had kept Ralph's dialect intact.

What really makes it noir is the world-weary, cynical, bitter tone. And you caught that beautifully.

Re: (not sure I *can* write noir)

[toujours_nigel]

eh, no, my phone cut me off and then I was too busy crying over a film. *g*

I agree with you, actually. The trouble is I've very little idea what the corresponding Britishisms would be, to bring out the tough-guyness of it all.

Re: (not sure I *can* write noir)

[moetushie]

Shit, I am so sorry to come to this so late! I didn't have access to the web for a bit there.

I love it. I think a hard-boiled, slightly sleazy Ralph is hilarious and wonderful, and I really like the idea that he's a gumshoe (a sort of reluctant fixer for the queer community?) and that Laurie comes to him. Excellent stuff!


(And I think that noir and The Charioteer could work very well. Alec is but one murder away from being a Hitchcock character.)

Re: (not sure I *can* write noir)

[toujours_nigel]

Nah, I saw, chinta korben na didi. *g*

Ralph is somewhere between a dick and a fixer, yup. The case is that Andrew's disappeared, so I'm not too certain how much help there'll be here, though.

Alec and Sandy could be in a Rope AU!