DEPT: No Heterosexual Explanation Possible

re: the discussion lilliburlero and I appear to have spawned in the comments of her excellent multi-canon fic and in the interests of procrastinating on Yuletide even while racing the clock (currently at 8:46:40 and counting inexorably down), some of the stranger things that have come my way from twirps and/or teachers:

• Child A, aged all of 9, comes up to me, aged 12, on the bus and says, "X is saying there are good courtesans who sing and bad courtesans who whore and you're the second type but you're sweet and I don't think so but oooh are you really?" and then clinging to me for a good ten minutes and fervently kissing me on the cheek and forehead.
• Tiny nursery school children cuddling and a group between 12-16 clucking disapprovingly because "Lord, children these days are so rapid" and "How have they contracted the school illness already!"
• Child B, aged 12 and sporting a vast and hilarious crush on various of my classmates and immediate juniors, re: his sexuality, "I don't think Dumbledore could be gay, he's too smart for it," stunned when I vouchsafe that hullo, I'm gay and you adore the ground I walk on, and recovering with a firm, "you're too young to know, my mother says," to me, aged 17.
• Terrible Teacher I, rushing back into the gymnasium minutes post storming out, to scream at classmate she's just accused of promiscuity with a boy, "Don't you dare touch her! Take your hands off that girl! Don't touch girls or look at boys!"
• Terrible Teacher II, after variously trying to taunt my girlfriend and I ("look how close they're sitting, there's room for another person on the two-seater bench") and various classmates in relation to me ("my, my [Rhea] you don't really care who's with you, huh, just about anyone will do") eventually saying about me and Child B, aged 17 and 12 respectively, "Now you've started on the kids, have you? Isn't that a bit awful even for you?"
• Child A, by then aged 13, and having made an utter nuisance of herself about me and others in the intervening years (upto and including hauling herself into my classroom during class-hours and stealing my schoolbag and trying her best to maim one of my classmates) biting into my shoulder through my uniform shirt while we're standing in queue in the bus waiting for it to park in front of school because she "wanted to know how I tasted".

Finally, and not from a teacher/twirp:

• A group of classmates calling me, aged 15-16, a carrot (in the dildo sene) for about six months.

Ah, schooldays.

Really Done Now, Damn It!

Finished my w.i.p (it might get another chapter next month but it's structurally finished) clocking in at just above 12k

Total word-count across four fandoms: 27k+

AND there's a gift underneath the tree, hooray!

*collapses in  heap*