toujours_nigel | Reading

conuly posting in

Dear Carolyn: I was very fortunate that my parents raised me to appreciate simplicity and avoid greed and excess. Now I’m in love with a wonderful woman whose family lives what I consider a toxic lifestyle.

Examples: They serve too much food for parties and holidays — more than can be eaten not just on that day, but on several days; they exchange so many useless gifts at every giving occasion (Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc.); their closets are stuffed with more clothing and shoes than you could wear in a lifetime; their home is overflowing with furniture, tchotchkes and other useless things.

Since we’ve gotten more serious, I’ve mentioned just a couple of times to my girlfriend how damaging her parents’ and siblings’ lifestyle is. Recently, she snapped at me to let up on being “so judgmental” about her family. I always thought we were on the same wavelength, since she herself lives pretty simply. Now I’m afraid her more minimalist lifestyle is because she’s just starting out, and she’ll eventually adopt her family’s behavior as she gets more successful.

I love her and don’t want to break up, but I’d hate to marry and raise children with someone who would expect to live like that. It seems like a sore subject, and I don’t want to harp on it, but I do need some reassurance. How should I ask about this?

— Worried

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conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Carolyn: I’m the youngest of five children, and throughout my whole life, my family members never cease to remind me of this in either a neutral or a derogatory way. Anytime I ask people to knock it off, they tell me I’m too sensitive and “you’ll always be the baby, so stop complaining.”

Now middle-aged, I have the average health problems of getting older. But instead of sympathy and understanding, I get: “You’re too young to have your knee replaced. Do you know how to get a second opinion?” “If you’re having back problems, then that must mean I’m REALLY old!” “How are you on blood pressure medicine already? You’re just a teenager.”

It’s bad enough my family doesn’t really know me as an adult. Yes, I’ve got friends and a (somewhat) understanding husband, but even on an information diet, my family cannot resist making a comment about my being the youngest. Where do I go from here, besides screaming?

— Everyone Else Got to Grow Up

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conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Care and Feeding,

My relationship with my much younger sister, “Charity,” has always been a volatile one. Recently, our grandmother passed away and Charity stole some jewelry that had been promised to me, likely when she last visited our grandmother’s place before she went into hospice. She claims not to know where it is, but a friend who works at a restaurant she frequents said she saw her come in wearing our grandmother’s necklace; Charity, of course, is saying she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. My 15-year-old daughter, “Zarra,” knows how upset I am about the whole thing and is just as angry. However, I didn’t expect that she would take matters into her own hands—and oh my god did she…

Last week, I learned through my mother that Charity broke up with her fiancé because she learned he was cheating on her and had fathered a child with another woman. When I told Zarra that her aunt had gotten a dose of karma, she replied, “Thanks to me.” I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach and asked her what she meant. Zarra explained that she had given her friend “Lisa’s” college-age brother money to purchase a burner phone for her. She then had Lisa call up Charity pretending to be a woman who was trying to track Charity’s fiancé down so she could sue him for child support. Zarra said Charity had been so furious that they could hear her screaming at Lisa through the phone from four feet away. She laughed and said she’d never expected the prank to actually work, but was glad it did.

I am truly at a loss as to what to do here. On the one hand, Zarra did a very devious thing and involved her friend and her friend’s brother in it. But on the other hand, if I’m being honest, it was extremely gratifying to see my bitch sister finally get a taste of her own medicine—she’s spent her life taking advantage of people and is an all-around shitty person. My husband thought the whole thing was brilliant. Should I punish Zarra and inform Lisa’s parents of their kids’ role in what my daughter did, or is this one of those things that cancels itself out?

—Secretly Pleased

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conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Link

1. Dear Care and Feeding,

Growing up, I had tons of friends and was always on the go and immersed in extracurricular activities. My 7-year-old daughter, “Maisy,” simply isn’t interested in people. She has exactly three friends and would rather spend her time reading and studying the birds, squirrels, bugs, and plants in our backyard. She doesn’t have much use for cartoons, like other kids; she would sooner watch science and nature documentaries. I had her tested, and she’s not on the spectrum, so that’s not what Maisy’s problem is. I feel like she’s missing out on so much by not being more sociable. How can I convince her that being the smartest person in the room won’t do her a bit of good if people don’t like her because she has no idea how to interact with other humans?

—Emotional Intelligence Matters Too

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2. Dear Care and Feeding,

My 11-year-old son, “William,” has been interested in magic and illusions for about a year. For his last birthday, my husband and I got him a magic set. William had been greatly enjoying it until my moronic brother “Justin” said something disgusting to him that Justin insists was “just a joke.” After Easter, for which the entire family had gotten together, I came across William’s magic set in the garbage. I asked him why he’d thrown it away, and he said Justin had told him that all magicians are gay and that if he keeps doing magic, he will turn gay too. This upset him (unfortunately, the kids at his school have reached the phase where “gay” is used as an insult). I told him that what Uncle Justin said wasn’t true: People don’t “turn” LGBTQ+, they are born that way, and in any case, there is nothing wrong with being LGBTQ+. I then gave Justin a call.

My brother howled with laughter when I told him that William had thrown out his magic set and why. Justin claimed he’d said it, “just said it to mess with him.” I told him he needed to set the record straight with William, make it clear that he’d made it up, and confirm what I’d already told him about how being LGBTQ+ is not a bad thing. Justin claimed I was making too big a deal over it. He said William should take this as a lesson in learning not to believe everything people tell him. I told him that until he was ready to apologize and tell William the truth, we would be taking a break from seeing him, and I hung up. My parents think I’m in the wrong and that I’m making too much of “a harmless prank.” They are accusing me of causing problems in the family. I don’t think I am. My husband agrees with me and says he’ll support whatever I feel is right. Is this the best option, even if it gets me on the wrong side of my parents?

—Under No Illusions: My Brother Was Wrong

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minoanmiss posting in

agonyaunt

Current Mood: annoyed

Actual ttitle: Help! My New Boyfriend Couldn’t Be More Different Than My Group of Friends. It Spells Trouble.

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minoanmiss posting in

agonyaunt

Now I’m Pregnant With His Baby.

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minoanmiss posting in

agonyaunt

I am having trouble including the link, due to not being able to see properly. sorry about that.

1. Manager husband is cheating with a much younger employee ( Read more... )

2. My employee has terrible attendance issues … in this economy? ( Read more... )

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

DEAR ABBY: My dear friend, "Sandra," is married with two children. She and her husband have a 4-year-old son together and another son from her husband's first marriage who is 14. The 14-year-old's life is tough, much like Cinderella's. Sandra treats him very badly. She has him doing all of the housework in their home, belittles him constantly and is very vocal about how much she dislikes him. Her 4-year-old can do no wrong.

The older boy's mother has weekends with her son, but Sandra is open about not liking her either. I feel bad about how the boy is treated and want to talk to Sandra about it, but I don't know how to bring up the sensitive subject and maintain my relationship with the family. Her husband is completely on Sandra's side, so he does nothing to help the boy have a better life. Can you offer any advice? -- FEELING FOR HIM IN WASHINGTON

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conuly posting in

agonyaunt

1. Dear Carolyn: My mom basically despises my boyfriend, “Tom,” because he didn’t graduate from college and works a blue-collar job. She is so rude to him, we can’t even be around her. She defends this by saying that looking at us together makes her feel disgusted, she can’t help how she feels, and she’s being as nice as she can given the intensity of her feelings. Tom actually cried after our last dinner with my parents.

Tom and I are 24, are independently financially stable and have lived together for six months — another source of my mother’s angst, but I suspect if I were “shacking up” with a more “eligible” bachelor, she would deal just fine. Although I am beyond furious at her treatment of Tom, I don’t want to lose her. Our relationship no longer resembles the mother-daughter bond we used to have. I’m also scared about what this is doing to my parents’ marriage. My dad is saying things to her in a tone I’ve never heard before — telling her that her behavior is unacceptable, that she needs to stop. She just gets defensive and yells at him. I don’t want my relationship to be their undoing.

I love Tom and could see us getting engaged in a year or two. However, I’m actually thinking about breaking up with him over this, although I know evil shouldn’t triumph. But I feel like he’s on one side, and on the other side is my relationship with my mom AND my parents’ relationship AND the potential to have it all if I meet a college-educated suitor. (I feel like a horrible person saying this.)

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2. Dear Annie: I am a 26-year-old woman deeply in love with someone my parents can't stand. He's not what they envisioned for me; he's rough around the edges, has tattoos, rides a motorcycle and works with his hands for a living. My parents like clean-cut, college-educated types in suits, and he's the complete opposite.

Yes, he has a bit of a "bad boy" past. He's made some mistakes in his younger years -- got into trouble, partied too hard, even had a brush with the law. But that was years ago. Since then, he's turned his life around. He's steady, loyal, hardworking, and treats me with more respect and care than anyone I've ever dated.

Despite all that, my parents won't give him a chance. They're polite when he's around, but I can tell they're just waiting for me to wake up and realize he's "not good enough." They constantly drop hints about finding someone "more suitable" or "more stable," and it's starting to wear me down. I feel caught in the middle -- between a man I love and parents I don't want to disappoint.

I'm not blind to his flaws, but I believe in the man he is now. How do I move forward when the people I've always looked to for support can't accept the person I've chosen? Am I being naive for thinking love is enough, or are my parents judging him unfairly? -- Torn Between Love and Loyalty

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minoanmiss posting in

agonyaunt

Current Mood: curious

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rheaitis

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Wow, this family sucks

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One column, two ragebait letters that I hope are fake

Dear Prudence: Politics and Relationships and Friends Groups oh my!

Dear Prudence: Help! I Left My Ex Because He Didn’t Want Children.

Two Ethics Quests from Ask A Manager

LW, just how long have you been watching your "dear friend" abuse her stepson and not said anything?

Two similar letters, originally posted years apart

Ask a Manager: My Employee Thinks I'm Intolerant of Neurodiversity

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